First husband: Tall dark and rigged with lies and betrayal

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(Picture of where we lived in 1991 Queens, NY)

When I start to think back at my marriages and how much time has been wasted in my life I get a bit upset to say the least.  Mostly, because most of my youth was spent on keeping my better halves happy rather than looking for my own happiness.  Don’t get me wrong in both my previous marriages there were moments of happiness but I soon came to realize that those moments eventually became few and far between.  My first marriage was a disaster to say the least.  I was young.  Too young to be exact.  I was on my own and looking for love in all the WRONG places.  I fell for a tall, dark and handsome Central American who turned out to be an abusive cheat.  The signs were all there but unfortunately I failed or maybe even denied myself the realization that I was headed down a road of hurt.  Oddly enough, the first year of our marriage was as I recall somewhat happy.  Things began to change when I was pregnant with our daughter.  It seemed as if I carried all the joy that news of a bundle of joy could bring to ones life.  I remember he used to say “I am just getting used to the idea we are married now I gotta get used to I am gonna be a father?” Once I turned seven months pregnant things went to hell real fast.  He became physically abusive.  To his surprise I had already lived in an abusive home for my first twelve years of life with my mother and when my husband decided he wanted to show me discipline much to his amazement I hit him back.  I had a heart of a fighter I felt like its one thing to get beat and bruised by a parent though unacceptable but tolerable but to get beat by a man ugh I just could not see myself becoming a victim.  Not like this.  Honestly, as I look back I feel as if that was the beginning of the end for us.  As I got older I realized that an abuser does not handle too well when he can’t dominate or emotionally abuse his victim.  See, in Central America it is a custom for a man to beat on his wife.  The woman has no voice or vote in that matter.  But as I remember telling him “I am not Central American, you can’t beat on me and think you will get away with it.  We live in America and I will not be your victim!” Eventually, our daughter was born and I was off on maternity leave from work for six months.  After returning to work an old church friend who had become homeless needed a place to stay.  A warm hearted woman as I have always been decided to let her stay in my place in exchange for watching my daughter while I went to work and found a more permanent baby sitter.  After all, I wanted her to get on her feet and the stay was agreed to be a short stay.  Sometime after three weeks back to work I come home one day to find her deeply crying and nervous.  I asked her what was the problem.  To my dismay it turned out my husband made a somewhat heavy pass at her. It was a Saturday and as a dental assistant at the time I had to work Saturdays from 9am – 1:pm.  He was off from work and was supposed to be watching the baby but as is there custom since he was a male he did not feel comfortable changing our daughter’s diaper so my friend would feed her and handle her care till I came home.  Instead, he decided to shower and while my friend was napping he got out of the shower in a towel and slipped into her bed and removed the towel.  He woke her from her sleep and told of his interest in her and how he had been admiring her for quite a while.  She ofcourse had no interest in him and soon realized she was in a very uncomfortable situation.  After being turned down and told that I would be hearing of what he had done well so much to say he did not know what he was going to do.  Once I came in and she told me I had no choice but to confront him.  I remember this as if were yesterday when I walked in that room and asked him about what he had done all he did was giggle and hide under the sheets.  There was no I  am sorry or please forgive me, I don’t know what came over me.  I was in total shock.  I then took the situation to someone I thought would surely set him straight….his mother.  I was so wrong!! My friend packed up and left the apartment and I packed up my daughter and left to my mother in law’s apartment.  I told my mother in law what he had done and her response to me was a Spanish phrase:  amaren sus gallinas, que mi gallo ta’ suelto! Roughly translated: ” Tie up your chickens cause my cock is on the loose!” Wow! I was blown away.  To top it off she had the same sinister giggle.  How can a woman herself tolerate the fact her son was such a dirty flirt.  After realizing I wasn’t going anywhere I left her house.  I was angry, disappointed and hurt.  My mother in law at the time was a woman I would do anything for at the drop of a hat.  Such loyalty later seemed stupid on my part.  What a naïve girl I was to think that she would extend some of that loyalty and friendship back my way. When I came back home all he wanted to know was what his mother said.  I knew at that moment our marriage was over the trust was broken and my previous doubts about his fidelity or infidelity were true.  Before all that went down, just six months shy of our marriage I had received a call from my husbands cousin’s wife who was not well liked by the family but about three years in before me.  His cousin had a three year old with this woman and one day she called me.  Her phone call to me was strange.  She had never called me before for anything but this phone call was to tell me that her husband had recently came back from a trip to Central America and he brought a hand written note from a woman named Lissette and she asked if I had known anything about it.   I had not known anything of this hand written letter.  All I knew was he had gone to visit his cousin to pick up some cheese and food items his cousin brought back to some family members.  As she went on she read this letter over the phone.  It read like a love letter from a young woman whose love left the country and still had hopes that one day they would be together.  I was a major crying mess.  By the time he came home I was furious.  I did not know how to even begin this conversation.  But when I finally told him he made it out as if she was trying to get some information out of me.  Most of the family knew his cousin had a little tart at the Chase Manhattan Bank he worked in but kept it quiet as to say its not our business let her deal with her husband.  So his reasoning was she wanted to know if he had shared with me that his cousin had a lover on the side which he never mentioned anything like that to me and as far as I was concerned I did not know or even cared to know what was going on in that marriage I was too busy working and also very pregnant to even be focused or slightly interested in other people’s family drama.  At that time I believed his excuse and dropped it.  But after, I soon realized there were a lot of things I did not know about this man and since trust was broken it was over.  Two weeks after the disappointment with the already heavy aura that existed in the home a simple little argument turned into a challenge.  He said, I would ever find love or anyone who would want to love me.  I said “are you sure?” I took that as a challenge ad little did I know that challenge would take me into the arms of hubby number 2.

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